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I probably first received this story in 1992 and foolishly didn't keep a copy, but the net being what it is it fortunately survived. There are so many versions of this story around now. *Everyone* (well almost everyone) is using this as their own resume. The cheek! Well anyway here's the version that is closest to the one I remember receiving. I wonder where Hugh is now?
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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOUHAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances
free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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Oh hey, Internet update. Duh. Here's the latest on Hugh:
Hugh Gallagher was eighteen when his college application essay won first place in Scholastic Inc.'s high school writing contest in 1990.
His satiric personal statement was reprinted in Harper's magazine the year he began his studies at New York University. John Kennedy, Jr. spotted the essay in Harper's, contacted Gallagher, and after a beer together at the Whitehorse Tavern, passed the essay on to Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner.
This meeting led to two features at the venerable magazine for Gallagher, and the beginning of his writing career. Signing with the William Morris Agency at the age of nineteen, he went on to pursue various outlets for his talent. Recording a spoken word CD under the name "Hugh Brown Shu" on Gang of Seven Records (alongside such names as Spalding Gray and Wallace Shawn), the young artist turned his talents to the world of performance.
With several shows in downtown New York City and San Francisco, appearances on National Public Radio, KCRW of Los Angeles, as well as comedy Central, Gallagher became well known in the spoken word scene of the early Nineties. He continued with his journalism, with features in magazines such as Wired, Dirt Flash Art, and the Beastie Boys' Grand Royal, and went on to graduate from New York University's Tisch School of the Arts in 1994.
A year of world travel inspired Hugh Gallagher to undertake his first novel, Teeth (1998, Pocket Books). A coming of age tale set in the global youth culture of the Nineties, Teeth was three years in the making.
Raised in Philadephia, Gallagher, 25, currently lives in New York City, and his college application essay - reprinted regularly and in constant circulation on the Internet - remains a classic to this day.
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